Our stories are also about self-protection. It's like my comfy jeans-may not be flattering, but familiar. I responded to Steve so defensively because when I'm in doubt, the "I'm not enough" explanation is often the first thing I grab. One dismissive glance from a coworker can instantly turn into I knew she didn't like me. This story doesn't have to be based on any real information. When we're in pain, we create a narrative to help us make sense of it. Storytelling helps us all impose order on chaos-including emotional chaos. Steve said, "No, I was going to shop yesterday, but I didn't have time. I apologized and started my next sentence with the phrase that's become a lifesaver in my marriage, parenting and professional life: "The story I'm making up is that you were blaming me for not having groceries, that I was screwing up." I knew exactly what was going on: I had turned his comment into a story about how I'm a disorganized, unreliable partner and mother. You can shop, too!" "I know," he said in a measured voice. Not even lunch meat." I shot back, "I'm doing the best I can. Steve opened the refrigerator and sighed. By dinnertime, we were practically in tears. Then at work I had five back-to-back meetings, and Steve, a pediatrician, was dealing with cold-and-flu season. Charlie couldn't find his backpack, and Ellen had to drag herself out of bed because she'd been up late studying. My husband, Steve, and I were having one of those days.
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